.. I have been without Internet for months other than my iPhone, and if anybody knows blogging on an iPhone is quite less than ideal. Truth be told, if I dont write/type about something as soon as it is impressed upon me.....I lose it, or better yet it loses it's flavor, its zeal for a lack of better words. I feel like I have lost alot of really great things to write about over the months of no Internet.....and now seem to be a blank page. So I'm just gonna shoot from the hip here a "share" a little, personally.
This has probably been one of the most peculiar and difficult years of my marriage and life. I have found myself discontent, frustrated, angry, scared and undoubtedly hopeless. I have definitely found myself at the crossroads of life and death....spiritually and relationally speaking. I love to laugh and goof off more than anything and in my opinion I am pretty...absolutely hilarious.....and equally if not more intense:) I have this sort of vision that drives me directly through peoples words and expressions, bypassing peoples intentions, motives, and "realities" directly into the heart of the matter. For this I am so thankful....and on the flip side, at times it can leave you vexed and/or somewhat isolated.
My husband is the MOST gentle, loving, humble and strong man on earth...I'm convinced......he's loyal....right down to the bones..However, his strength is not communication, although we are doing so much better and growing and being healed and changed, its come through alot of pain and tears and yes fighting.(well, me fighting;)....and yes even hopelessness. This year I seriously thought that if we did not have children....I would have left. I wouldn't have left because I wanted someone else or because I though there was someone better, because truthfully I don't. I would have left because I was tired of being "alone", alone in my heart, in my dreams, in my desires, in my desire for real intimacy....a bond.
I can't really tell you the real turn around point......but I can tell you it came out of getting desperate, hopeless and intensely honest. We would have dates..and mini vacations and what not.....but it never really changed anything, there was still this lingering of emptiness, aloneness.....not togetherness. It haunted me almost every second.....life was so far away from everything I had ever envisioned and my marriage was certainly not the lush...sensational....intimate pasture I had envisioned and desired. After alot of cyclical talk and arguments that ended no where good.....we finally started to get some revelation and insight into some of the cores of our problems...I wont get into the detail of all of them now....but I will tell you is that when we finally "SAW" some of our root issues a huge relief came. There was a glimmer of light.....a drop of water, a taste of life.
The mere identification of the source of our lack of intimacy brought intimacy itself. I realized I wasn't being idealistic in my expectations and desires about marriage. I wanted what everyone wants, what everyone is made for.......I wasn't disappointed that our marriage didn't consist of us skipping through field of wild flowers holding hands.....but more so that we weren't even trudging through the mud together. I wanted to do more than raise children...go on dates....etc. I wanted to deal with the nitty gritty of it all....I wanted accountability, correction, encouragement.....true intimacy. The long and short of it ...I want to walk in the Light my my husband...to know and be known..to be watchmen for one anothers souls....to war for each other, to bleed for each other. We had gotten lazy, lazy in our love and lazy in our fight and we paid for it.
Friends this is the season, the season to take back what you've surrendered through laziness.....so get hopeless, get desperate, get angry and then fight. Maybe its your marriage, friendships, your children, your relationship with God.....your gifts and talents...who knows...you do. There's no time better than now and no day better than today. Fight for what is yours and let nothing stop you.....you were made for war andyou were made to win! You were destined for love, life and relationships and an intimacy that surpasses all imagination. I'm gonna fight, I'm gonna fight for my husband, my marriage, my children and everything and one else that God has given me....and I'm gonna win..and I'll wager that you will too.
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