.. I have been without Internet for months other than my iPhone, and if anybody knows blogging on an iPhone is quite less than ideal. Truth be told, if I dont write/type about something as soon as it is impressed upon me.....I lose it, or better yet it loses it's flavor, its zeal for a lack of better words. I feel like I have lost alot of really great things to write about over the months of no Internet.....and now seem to be a blank page. So I'm just gonna shoot from the hip here a "share" a little, personally.
This has probably been one of the most peculiar and difficult years of my marriage and life. I have found myself discontent, frustrated, angry, scared and undoubtedly hopeless. I have definitely found myself at the crossroads of life and death....spiritually and relationally speaking. I love to laugh and goof off more than anything and in my opinion I am pretty...absolutely hilarious.....and equally if not more intense:) I have this sort of vision that drives me directly through peoples words and expressions, bypassing peoples intentions, motives, and "realities" directly into the heart of the matter. For this I am so thankful....and on the flip side, at times it can leave you vexed and/or somewhat isolated.
My husband is the MOST gentle, loving, humble and strong man on earth...I'm convinced......he's loyal....right down to the bones..However, his strength is not communication, although we are doing so much better and growing and being healed and changed, its come through alot of pain and tears and yes fighting.(well, me fighting;)....and yes even hopelessness. This year I seriously thought that if we did not have children....I would have left. I wouldn't have left because I wanted someone else or because I though there was someone better, because truthfully I don't. I would have left because I was tired of being "alone", alone in my heart, in my dreams, in my desires, in my desire for real intimacy....a bond.
I can't really tell you the real turn around point......but I can tell you it came out of getting desperate, hopeless and intensely honest. We would have dates..and mini vacations and what not.....but it never really changed anything, there was still this lingering of emptiness, aloneness.....not togetherness. It haunted me almost every second.....life was so far away from everything I had ever envisioned and my marriage was certainly not the lush...sensational....intimate pasture I had envisioned and desired. After alot of cyclical talk and arguments that ended no where good.....we finally started to get some revelation and insight into some of the cores of our problems...I wont get into the detail of all of them now....but I will tell you is that when we finally "SAW" some of our root issues a huge relief came. There was a glimmer of light.....a drop of water, a taste of life.
The mere identification of the source of our lack of intimacy brought intimacy itself. I realized I wasn't being idealistic in my expectations and desires about marriage. I wanted what everyone wants, what everyone is made for.......I wasn't disappointed that our marriage didn't consist of us skipping through field of wild flowers holding hands.....but more so that we weren't even trudging through the mud together. I wanted to do more than raise children...go on dates....etc. I wanted to deal with the nitty gritty of it all....I wanted accountability, correction, encouragement.....true intimacy. The long and short of it ...I want to walk in the Light my my husband...to know and be known..to be watchmen for one anothers souls....to war for each other, to bleed for each other. We had gotten lazy, lazy in our love and lazy in our fight and we paid for it.
Friends this is the season, the season to take back what you've surrendered through laziness.....so get hopeless, get desperate, get angry and then fight. Maybe its your marriage, friendships, your children, your relationship with God.....your gifts and talents...who knows...you do. There's no time better than now and no day better than today. Fight for what is yours and let nothing stop you.....you were made for war andyou were made to win! You were destined for love, life and relationships and an intimacy that surpasses all imagination. I'm gonna fight, I'm gonna fight for my husband, my marriage, my children and everything and one else that God has given me....and I'm gonna win..and I'll wager that you will too.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Part One: Pornography.Pain.Passion.Perversion.
Well friends......it's clearer to me than ever how important this blog really is, after two days of working on it....I lost the entire thing. So here I go.........again.
I'm gonna start with the natural makeup and passions of both male and female. Man was undoubtedly created to thrive off of beauty, power and strength and all that they encompass. Woman were created to embody beauty and all of it's attributes. These are the basics guys....I want to be beautiful, I want you to think I'm beautiful and you want something beautiful....it makes you feel powerful, alive....face it. Now, I don't think these passions in and of themselves are wrong, in fact I think they are good. However, we through perversions have reduced ourselves to the likings of something more barbaric and animalistic in nature. We were created to be passionate and beautiful creatures.....yet sadly........we have lost our glory, our power and our majesty....along side our hearts.
Ladies you were created to be beauties, beauties of the most eminent design containing a power, an enrapturing, captivating glory. Gentleman, you were created to be powerful, majestic creatures full of a strength and might that no being had ever encompassed, apart from your Maker.
Perversion is a peculiar word, we generally use it to describe someone that sexuality lacks morality. Truthfully though, we all pervert something. Perversion defines itself as *To turn away from what is right, proper or good *To put to wrong or improper use* To distort.
We all were created with a longing and a desire for intimacy...relationally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Most of ones life's endeavours are all in the pursuit of this intimacy, even if they themselves aren't aware of it . Babies are sustained by this intimacy...a mothers nursing bosom...a coddling father.....the smell of their parents......the comfort of their voice. Children thrive on this intimacy from their parents....their love, affections and affirmations. Adults long for the intimacy of their peers, parents, children and that of their mate...emotionally, mentally and of physical proportions, sexually. It's in this place that we experience a true complete and total surrender and vulnerability. This friends is the inherent nature of every man and woman alike.....to know and be known, to experience pleasure, power and intimacy.
This intimacy I am speaking of should begin to be learned in our homes, in our family's, in our hearts. Our masculine and feminine natures should be validated, affirmed, owned and cherished as children. This sort of healthy path of growth and develop has become a scarcity today, perhaps even a novelty. Children today are "raised" in homes that are fatherless, motherless, laden with addictions and abuses of multiple types. It's no wonder that we look around today at our society, our culture and our churches and here we are broken, addicted, mis and even unidentified. Friends, never underestimate the power of a family........ It's a fathers role to masculinate his sons, not a mother's. Femininity does not beget masculinity and never will. In families where young boys have experienced direct abuse or in the form of neglect from their fathers.....they will struggle with their masculine identities. It can show up in various forms, whether it be repeating the same cycle of abuse and neglect, or through an inability to make commitments, fear, addictions, passivity, a victim mentality......and the list goes on and on and on....including the addiction to pornography.
Pornography defines itself as the creative activity (films, photography,writing.etc..) that contain no literary or artistic value other than to stimulate sexual desire. Hmmmnnn, that definition strikes me right down to my core with a deep grief....how debasing, how unnatural...to separate relationship and intimacy from this sexual desire. Lets think on this for a minute......what does a man or woman for that matter..(which in Part Two I will be discussing the feminine side of things in depth) experience when they look at pornography.....could it be pleasure, power, and intimacy...yes it could and it is. Ironically, the very thing we are created to experience have been distorted through perversion and a handicap in the ability to engage in true intimacy. Friends, this is tragic. Amidst a world of longing companions, neglected lovers and lonely mates we are wasting ourselves on the make-believe. WHY?!?
I'll tell you why......because something has gone wrong in the essence of our beings...our hearts have been camouflaged into our flesh, right down to the unidentifiable. Intimacy is intense people....it's almost like a mirror.....a truly intimate moment can define and change your life forever. I'll quickly share with you that the one most important, life changing and intimate moment of my life was when I met my Maker.....that moment changed my life forever along with my nature, my heart and my passion. With that said, I want you to think about the power of this intimacy in relationship. I'll also share with you that my husband has the ability to look into my eyes with such an intimacy that is makes me feel nervous, scared, vulnerable, insecure and yet loved in a way that I can not explain. I feel seen and known and that friends as much as we desire it, can be overwhelming...... even identifying. So why at our heart's deepest need and longing....would we perhaps hold back, turn away from and possibly reject the very thing we need, for the make-believe? Perhaps it is because it is just that...it is the illusion of intimacy...the illusions of power apart from the vulnerability, apart from the commitment. Is it easier to pretend than to live....is it easier to be in a fantasy than real life? Absolutely, it is....but what's the price, what's the trade, what's the effect on LIFE? What do we lose and what are we afraid of ?..........Stay tuned for Part Two, the best is yet to come....along with some HOPE.
I'm gonna start with the natural makeup and passions of both male and female. Man was undoubtedly created to thrive off of beauty, power and strength and all that they encompass. Woman were created to embody beauty and all of it's attributes. These are the basics guys....I want to be beautiful, I want you to think I'm beautiful and you want something beautiful....it makes you feel powerful, alive....face it. Now, I don't think these passions in and of themselves are wrong, in fact I think they are good. However, we through perversions have reduced ourselves to the likings of something more barbaric and animalistic in nature. We were created to be passionate and beautiful creatures.....yet sadly........we have lost our glory, our power and our majesty....along side our hearts.
Ladies you were created to be beauties, beauties of the most eminent design containing a power, an enrapturing, captivating glory. Gentleman, you were created to be powerful, majestic creatures full of a strength and might that no being had ever encompassed, apart from your Maker.
Perversion is a peculiar word, we generally use it to describe someone that sexuality lacks morality. Truthfully though, we all pervert something. Perversion defines itself as *To turn away from what is right, proper or good *To put to wrong or improper use* To distort.
We all were created with a longing and a desire for intimacy...relationally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Most of ones life's endeavours are all in the pursuit of this intimacy, even if they themselves aren't aware of it . Babies are sustained by this intimacy...a mothers nursing bosom...a coddling father.....the smell of their parents......the comfort of their voice. Children thrive on this intimacy from their parents....their love, affections and affirmations. Adults long for the intimacy of their peers, parents, children and that of their mate...emotionally, mentally and of physical proportions, sexually. It's in this place that we experience a true complete and total surrender and vulnerability. This friends is the inherent nature of every man and woman alike.....to know and be known, to experience pleasure, power and intimacy.
This intimacy I am speaking of should begin to be learned in our homes, in our family's, in our hearts. Our masculine and feminine natures should be validated, affirmed, owned and cherished as children. This sort of healthy path of growth and develop has become a scarcity today, perhaps even a novelty. Children today are "raised" in homes that are fatherless, motherless, laden with addictions and abuses of multiple types. It's no wonder that we look around today at our society, our culture and our churches and here we are broken, addicted, mis and even unidentified. Friends, never underestimate the power of a family........ It's a fathers role to masculinate his sons, not a mother's. Femininity does not beget masculinity and never will. In families where young boys have experienced direct abuse or in the form of neglect from their fathers.....they will struggle with their masculine identities. It can show up in various forms, whether it be repeating the same cycle of abuse and neglect, or through an inability to make commitments, fear, addictions, passivity, a victim mentality......and the list goes on and on and on....including the addiction to pornography.
Pornography defines itself as the creative activity (films, photography,writing.etc..) that contain no literary or artistic value other than to stimulate sexual desire. Hmmmnnn, that definition strikes me right down to my core with a deep grief....how debasing, how unnatural...to separate relationship and intimacy from this sexual desire. Lets think on this for a minute......what does a man or woman for that matter..(which in Part Two I will be discussing the feminine side of things in depth) experience when they look at pornography.....could it be pleasure, power, and intimacy...yes it could and it is. Ironically, the very thing we are created to experience have been distorted through perversion and a handicap in the ability to engage in true intimacy. Friends, this is tragic. Amidst a world of longing companions, neglected lovers and lonely mates we are wasting ourselves on the make-believe. WHY?!?
I'll tell you why......because something has gone wrong in the essence of our beings...our hearts have been camouflaged into our flesh, right down to the unidentifiable. Intimacy is intense people....it's almost like a mirror.....a truly intimate moment can define and change your life forever. I'll quickly share with you that the one most important, life changing and intimate moment of my life was when I met my Maker.....that moment changed my life forever along with my nature, my heart and my passion. With that said, I want you to think about the power of this intimacy in relationship. I'll also share with you that my husband has the ability to look into my eyes with such an intimacy that is makes me feel nervous, scared, vulnerable, insecure and yet loved in a way that I can not explain. I feel seen and known and that friends as much as we desire it, can be overwhelming...... even identifying. So why at our heart's deepest need and longing....would we perhaps hold back, turn away from and possibly reject the very thing we need, for the make-believe? Perhaps it is because it is just that...it is the illusion of intimacy...the illusions of power apart from the vulnerability, apart from the commitment. Is it easier to pretend than to live....is it easier to be in a fantasy than real life? Absolutely, it is....but what's the price, what's the trade, what's the effect on LIFE? What do we lose and what are we afraid of ?..........Stay tuned for Part Two, the best is yet to come....along with some HOPE.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Honestly, Honesty Is Risky Business.
Howdy folks...I've got some things racking around in this ole brain of mine....not new things..old things...things that have been there for well, quite some time. First off Im a total honesty junkie, which in turn gives me the great and growing experience of learning to curve my tongue and soften my deliveries..this friends is quite the work IN progress:)...anyhow I'v been thinking (as I try to run around my house and clean in the most effecient way possible, as to gaurentee my Monday morning does'nt start off as an absolute trainwreck.....people, I CAN'T function in a dirty or even messy house)...........that so many things unnerve me...at the present and on top of the list today is this....when Christians talk to you and they are in a battle and they fill the air with almost frantic robotic gushes of postive speech..and memorized scripture, and "I just know the Lord's gonna", and "I know everythings gonna be ok's"......and blah blah blah!....let me quickliy clarify that I dont believe any of these behaviors or "confessions" are wrong in and of themselves..trust me I've been there a million times...I also understand that God's Word is a seed and it will produce fruit, and the power of the tongue and ALL those good things!....so this is not coming from a bitter place...it's just that when I'm in this situation I often times want to look at the person and say...No, you dont believe that...and who exactly are you trying to convince me, god, or you?...Really it makes me sad, all because of this.........
When Yeshua (Jesus) walked the earth, living amongst mankind he said alot of things....the difference was he BELIEVED them, wholehearted. I personally dont believe He went around saying things to convince Himself, he knew the Truth..but rather to convince us. My point is this, God is relational. He understands our weakness, He understands our frame. People, I'm convinced that when we are in a battle and some of the darkest times of our lives....God's pleasure does not lay in our ability to recite scriptures or make a million positive confessions a day.....but in our fear, our doubt and in our uncertainty that we draw our heart close to His and letting our guards down say "help me believe"....There is a freedom in this, being released from the pressure and unspoken belief that if you dont "prove" your "faith" that God's not gonna come through for you. God loves us guys,even in our doubt. His love and purposes dont waiver based upon our confessions or weakness. I've been taking some risks now, for years. I tell God exactly how I feel, He does'nt necessarily always validate my emotions, but that not what I need...I just wanna know I'm loved enough to be loved through them, and guess what..I'm starting to. Believe that is.
I wanna be real, touchable, approachable, I think God does too. So when people, believers or not, ask me how I am, I'm honest..and it's not always pretty..but thats ok...Im not here to be pretty or perfect. I'm here to be ALIVE. I used to be so scared to be honest with people, especially non-believers, I believed that I would be misrepresenting God and all his goodness, and in turn He wouldn'nt be very happy with me. I don't believe that anymore. Everything and everyone is redeemable, and truthfully just the fact that I feel like I know God a little more today than I did yesterday...is more redeeming in my eyes than my life always being filled with sunshine and lollipops (although, I would like a unicorn):)..or all the right words.
So in conclusion, I'm not saying to abandon "spirituality" or anything of the sort. What I am saying is this...let what you have be real..let is be honest, let it be relational....even in the wake of seeming unspiritual. I promise you, people are desperate...empty and lonely...they want something they can taste, even if its not all sweet...after all guys,salty and sweet are way better together:)....I know He wills that all see and hear and walk and that His Kingdom be here on this earth now, we'll get there folks.....one relationship at a time...I'm sure that when we are in heaven we will rejoice and be so happy at the fact that all wounds, physical and emotional and mental and spiritual are healed......but more so than that, that we know once and for all.......not in part, but wholly and purely, the beauty of His heart. Take Risks in your Romance and let your Realities be Redeemed...LOVE.
When Yeshua (Jesus) walked the earth, living amongst mankind he said alot of things....the difference was he BELIEVED them, wholehearted. I personally dont believe He went around saying things to convince Himself, he knew the Truth..but rather to convince us. My point is this, God is relational. He understands our weakness, He understands our frame. People, I'm convinced that when we are in a battle and some of the darkest times of our lives....God's pleasure does not lay in our ability to recite scriptures or make a million positive confessions a day.....but in our fear, our doubt and in our uncertainty that we draw our heart close to His and letting our guards down say "help me believe"....There is a freedom in this, being released from the pressure and unspoken belief that if you dont "prove" your "faith" that God's not gonna come through for you. God loves us guys,even in our doubt. His love and purposes dont waiver based upon our confessions or weakness. I've been taking some risks now, for years. I tell God exactly how I feel, He does'nt necessarily always validate my emotions, but that not what I need...I just wanna know I'm loved enough to be loved through them, and guess what..I'm starting to. Believe that is.
I wanna be real, touchable, approachable, I think God does too. So when people, believers or not, ask me how I am, I'm honest..and it's not always pretty..but thats ok...Im not here to be pretty or perfect. I'm here to be ALIVE. I used to be so scared to be honest with people, especially non-believers, I believed that I would be misrepresenting God and all his goodness, and in turn He wouldn'nt be very happy with me. I don't believe that anymore. Everything and everyone is redeemable, and truthfully just the fact that I feel like I know God a little more today than I did yesterday...is more redeeming in my eyes than my life always being filled with sunshine and lollipops (although, I would like a unicorn):)..or all the right words.
So in conclusion, I'm not saying to abandon "spirituality" or anything of the sort. What I am saying is this...let what you have be real..let is be honest, let it be relational....even in the wake of seeming unspiritual. I promise you, people are desperate...empty and lonely...they want something they can taste, even if its not all sweet...after all guys,salty and sweet are way better together:)....I know He wills that all see and hear and walk and that His Kingdom be here on this earth now, we'll get there folks.....one relationship at a time...I'm sure that when we are in heaven we will rejoice and be so happy at the fact that all wounds, physical and emotional and mental and spiritual are healed......but more so than that, that we know once and for all.......not in part, but wholly and purely, the beauty of His heart. Take Risks in your Romance and let your Realities be Redeemed...LOVE.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Getting Started Is The Hardest Part
Well people.....here it comes. First of all, this will be short and possibly sweet. After and hour and a half or so of trying to set up this blog and make it appear the way that I want you to view me and it..I'm exhausted! That's what you get when your in an inner hysteria of portraying yourself or your life as the fun, happy,creative, lively....well you get the picture. Truthfully..my life does consist of those elements in part, however I'm just a girl longing for things (eternal) and somehow always left feeling dissapointment..on the flip side there is one constant thing that never ceases and it is....... the longing itself. No matter what the day holds or may hand me or {in more honest terms}I make of it....somewhere meshed together at the end of every day, there lies an almost tangible hope that is wreaking of dissapointent sprawled out across the casing of my heart. Now, I am certainly no doctor, counselor, or even advisor of any sort...but my concluding of this roller coaster of emotions and daily climatic tug of war between the fibers of my being...leave me to conclude only one , well maybe two things. One, I am a total nutcase....or two,God is trying to get my attention......stay tuned....we'll get to the bottom of this:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)